Well hello there.......

Good morning to you, dearest of estranged readers.
Here's a fully fledged promise for you, one I shall surely be able to keep......I hereby promise never to promise you anything again!
You recall that a while back I made one of those traditional January 1st mistakes, like so many millions of others, uttered those inspirational yet also awfully hollow words, "My New Year's resolution is...". I swore to provide you, dear reader, with a carefully crafted blogument on a regular basis. Provide or burden perhaps. Although my heart and mind were sincere, my daily grind interfered and the bloguments fell by the wayside. Not that I did not attempt to convey my innermost darkness..... There are a number of tentative bloguments still awaiting a strong stab at the 'Publish' button......it's just a matter of whether this scribe has the strength of character to proceed or will the weakness, the fear, the doubt, the memories and the pain continue to act like the most impenetrable of prisons and continue to disable as they do.

Who knows? I certainly don't. Maybe the lyrics of that old friend of mine, SK, will forever ring true. He spat these words with such voracity that every time I hear the track Battle With The Beast (you can find it on Soundcloud...
http://soundcloud.com/nedos/battle-with-the-beast  ) the burning tears well up and I battle my own beast....... The words read:

"In my brain there's a box and that box has a lock and that lock can't come off no matter what"

You should give that track a listen. A real listen. More than once or twice. Open your inner demons to it. Feel it's force because it's written and performed by one of the sincerest human beings I ever met. And what you'll hear being delivered is more honesty than you'll hear in a millennium of parliamentary questions.

What I do know is that since my previously published blogument I have experienced a completely unexpected reality shift. A metamorphosis of meteoric proportions. It's been the best of times and the worst of times. I'll tell of it all when I am able. When I am able both emotionally and legally!

Russia today

'Hunted' last night (5th February 2014) was an appalling insight into how Russia treats gay people.  The scores,  if not hundreds,  of groups of so-called vigilantes sickened and repulsed me and  I dare say, any sane and reasonable human being who had the stomach to observe their abhorrent behaviour. If the gays targeted and victimised in last night's program were replaced by Jews you would have been watching a repeat of 1930s Germany. Vigilantes they are not. Fascists, cruel and merciless,  they most certainly are. At one point I heard one of these fascists describing how gay people are psychologically disturbed.  To be honest, I am certain that if I was the subject of what they call Safaris - the hunting down of a fellow human being in order that they may be stripped, beaten, have bottles of urine poured over them, humiliated beyond belief whilst being filmed for subsequent posting all over the Internet - I too would feel a little psychologically disturbed. I would feel terrified.
So as the world watches on and the Sochi Winter Olympics begin I sincerely hope that the country is shamed into a step toward a more enlightened age. Given that opposition to those heterosexuals who even dare show support and solidarity with those who are not heterosexual is severe,  violent and relentless I'm sure it will be a long, long time before that first step is even considered.

Rollercoasters and rascals

Humans. Incredible, intricate and infinitely complex creations of the elements constructed within stars, dispersed across the Universe by the power of supernovae. Such magnificent beings, yet capable of utterly incomprehensible stupidity.
I know this as I have been guilty of such stupidity myself at times. Yes, I have made life choices which have had unintended yet somewhat predictable outcomes. We'll come to such subjects in time, dear reader, in an altogether different blogument. One which will demonstrate just how far I really have travelled whilst returning to the exact same point. It is, even if I say so myself, rather an ironic tale that has led me to the highest highs of my life in exactly the same street I had the lowest lows! Honestly, the exact same location, give or take a few metres.
But back to the point in question.  This last couple of weeks I have felt the betrayal of an associate to whom I had extended the hand of unconditional friendship and support. I don't wish to dwell on this for too long for I feel that the chap in question is suffering enough as a result of his life choices. To put it succinctly,  the rascal broke into my office and stole the cash float which was to be used the following night to start our fantastic Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip Afterparty.
This, quite obviously,  put me in what I shall describe as a somewhat irate frame of mind on what should have been a most wondrous start to the year's programme of events. I tried my utmost to soldier on regardless,  ably supported in this endeavour by liberal imbibings of Sambucca and a rather delicious bottle of 12 year old Appleton Estate rum. Let it be known that I recall significantly less of the proceedings than one would expect!  I do know that the night passed with tremendous frivolity and fun. Our rascal finds himself in far less positive situation that one could quite easily lay upon the doorstep of Instant Karma if so inclined.  Alternatively,  it could just be a simple continuation of the impressive stupidity displayed previously and outlined above. Who knows?  What I do know is that once again the open hearted approach that I have always tried to maintain feels a little colder again,  the warmth sucked away by external forces.  There are many others guilty of a similar effect on my openness. Some of them may even be reading this very blogument.  Do you feel a slight chill run over you as you read that last sentence?  Can you recall your own actions that have countered my open door, pushed it to almost closed? Think hard. Try looking from a perspective other than your own. Maybe it will be you written about here someday.  Perhaps not. Doesn't hurt to exercise a critical self-analysis every so often, eh. Be very sure that nothing I ever scribble here will drip with malice. Just a touch of insight and reflection. So if you do recognise yourself, please don't take it too badly. It will never be meant that way. So, dear reader, onward with the journey,  the sine wave of life. Much to see and do. And so much to write about.

A Quickie

You know, the first few weeks of 2014 have been a little bit tense. Maybe you, dear reader, had noticed that already, having been exposed, albeit tentatively, to the very furthest outskirts of the dark and foggy pathways leading to my mental inner city council estate. That place populated by murky memories and questionable characters, somewhere you'll be needing a friendly hand to guide you through. Be that as it may, this past week has me cruising through a much brighter land,  feeling full of the joys of life and soaking myself in excited anticipation. Yes, there was still an undesirable element, perhaps two, lurking in the corners,  but after my meeting yesterday with the landlord's agent for the club I am revived fully. It was a meeting that unfolded in a totally unexpected way, a thoroughly positive way, and I am relieved and re-energized. Buckles done up hard and off we jolly well stomp.

Dark Thoughts

Okay then....Every now and again I have these moments where words just come erupting out of my head.  This is a case in point. ......

I scrabble for a pen
But then again
I think this ink will stink
The poison of my life
The strife that hides inside
Is wider than the strides i use to hide
Me from the snides, besides i think i lied
The day you died I cried without a tear for it was years until I would hear
The news
From an Internet view
So I accuse you and all who knew,
Who made me what I am with your sham, slaughtered this lamb
With no care for what it would share, the tear that would be wrought
Where was the thought of what ought to pass, my life left to last
Place
My face graced no place in your race to taste the things of haste
This waste of space is laced with hate
That burns whilst I yearn to learn
the reasons why
Why I, why my eyes see these sights that shine so bright yet no-one else will ever see
These things that make me be.

2013 in Review

That was a crazy year for me. 2013  began full of expectations, anxiety and frustration. 
The expectations were of a year full of interesting events and people, with much progress in the right direction for Suki10c.
The anxiety was pretty much centred on the financial position and the threat to Suki10c posed by the consistent attacks of the neighbour from Hell, referred to now as He Whose Name Cannot Be Mentioned.
And the frustration?  Without pulling any punches,  the frustration was created by the sheer amount of self-centered, arrogant,  small-minded, egotistical selfishness and blind ignorance exhibited by some of the people around me.  I don't need to name any names here at this point,  they who are guilty of such behaviour will most probably not be reading this blog and, if they are,  they will either not recognise this description or they will continue in abject denial. Either way, there is nothing to be achieved by identifying the guilty other than to bring even more frustration to myself.  Rather just leave them to carry on along the narrow path they travel and hope that they don't fall too hard. Fall they will, of that I am absolutely certain.
Let's now focus upon He Whose Name Cannot Be Mentioned.  I'm sure that some of you will already be fully aware of this particular person and the position I have been put into by him. I will try here to explain as fully as possible the scenario.
The man does not want Suki10c to exist.
There,  I know that's a lot to digest but there's no other way to explain it other than go into every last detail.
To that end, the year, or 8 months of it to be completely fair, has been filled with complaint after complaint.  I have dealt with it as reasonably and as patiently as I could,  but it has resulted in the loss of my business partner, a four thousand pound legal bill, hundreds of pounds spent on materials for soundproofing,  hours upon hours of hard work, and ultimately I have wasted so much time and energy defending the business against the onslaught it has left a very nasty taste behind. It would now seem that the beast of noise nuisance is slain, or, at the very least, wounded and lying low. No further contact from the council since August so my fingers are very much crossed that we have done enough to limit any sound leakage from the venue and that we should hear no more on that front. But you never know, eh.........and from what I am told via the local grapevine he is still fully intent on having the place closed down one way or another! ! Pick on someone else, bullyboy, I ain't scared of you in the slightest.

In May we all saw the final Drop Beats Not Bombs event take place to mark the tenth anniversary.  Yes, it absolutely was the end of the road.  Nothing anyone could say or do would ever persuade me to do another.  So much went on over the ten years of organising those events that even now the thought of it all makes me feel physically sick.  That might sound somewhat strange to you but it's the truth. I will write about it all at length sometime but to put it in as few words as possible here just be aware that it drove me to financial ruin, destroyed friendships, ruined my relationship, stretched my mental health to the very edge of insanity, and exhausted me on every and any level that you'd care to put forward. Maybe it is the case that it was never Drop Beats but myself that should be held responsible for all of that.....yes, maybe so. That's something that perhaps I will allow myself to accept in a decade or two, if I get that far. Or maybe turning my back on it all, encasing it in emotional concrete and never putting a sledgehammer to it will suffice. Seems I've had to take such steps a fair few times in my days upon this rock......

Hmmmm, I find my mind wandering towards places I'm not yet ready to travel, dear reader. So for that very reason I'm going to stop writing,  right now. I need to examine my thoughts without the danger of unleashing it all here without due care.

For now then, let's just call this blogument 2013 in Review Part 1 and perhaps Part 2 will make it next week......or perhaps it won't.

Anger

Okay then, I have made my very first blogging mistake. I failed to save anything that I had written and now it has all disappeared.  Maybe that's for the best. The title indicates what I had been discussing. I won't rewrite,  it was of the moment and, as such, cannot be revisited in the manner it had been delivered.  I have no doubt whatsoever that the subject matter will be explored in every painful detail, and at great length, over the coming bloguments. You, estranged reader, are definitely in for a rocky road and if my words manage to ever adequately convey the slightest emotional fragment, I believe you will know my internal anguish. Suffering comes in all shapes and sizes,  but silence is massive.

Over the coming months I shall attempt to be truthful, revealing, honest and forthright. This will not be an easy task for there are valleys and schisms to be explored that are, to be frank, the darkest of places. Whether I will take you there with me is yet to be revealed, it may not happen but know this, if we travel there together you will never see me in the same light you now do...

How many people can you honestly say you know? Not just in the loose sense of the word. Really, truly, deeply know.....all the veneer removed, the falsehood and pretence stripped away to reveal the inner person.....yes, how many inner people do you really know? How many inner people do you really want to know?